Thursday, November 20, 2008

Here is the thing...God is busy.

He's got a world to watch over, eternity to oversee and upkeep to perform on Heaven, etc.

That being the case, it is safe to say - the Notorious G-O-D is not reaching down, touching a bat, blessing an arm or nodding at an acting performance in hopes of blessing someone to succeed by crushing a home run, throwing a touchdown pass or winning an award.

To prove this point, I defer to my best friend, Scotty (yes, his name is Scott too). Here is an excerpt from an email I received from him after the Cleveland Browns/Buffalo Bills Monday Night Football game this past week (he = Bills fan, me = HUGE Brady Quinn fan):

"Hey Brady, how about you point to the heavens one more time. Hey, it’s snowing this morning...point to the heavens!

People that point to the heavens/thank God for the most ridiculous things bother me. Here’s some examples:
-winning an award ie. Oscar, Emmy, etc.
-throwing a touchdown pass ie. Brady Quinn.
-bloodying someone in the Octagon
-winning a sportsinteraction bet

Accepted examples are:
-surviving a plane crash
-waking up in the morning/going to bed
-having a baby
-walking safely across a country"

I have to say, that he has a VERY good point. There are only SPECIFIC instances in life when a Heavenly Point is acceptable. The reasons mentioned above and maybe a couple of others (if you have any ideas, post a comment below and we will start a list). I mean, does someone actually think that The Man Upstairs is, at the exact moment someone crosses home plate, staring back with a wink in His eye and giving a return point with a 'I gots yo back [insert athlete name]'? No...for instance...

Who the hell are you pointing at, Barry? Did the Big Guy reach down and bless the "cream" from BALCO? Did you double point because you knew your secret was just between the two of you?

This email sparked a question from my brother who wrote:

"The big question: Does holing out from the 18th fairway to win the Masters constitute a Heavenly point?"

This is a valid question...really, are there any circumstances in which a Heavenly Point IS unconditionally acceptable? Go ahead, play this game with your friends - and think of a situation where this is ok.

My response to my bro's question was:

"Though it would be one of the most amazing things EVER…I do not think it constitutes a Heavenly Point because there are two types of people in the world – winners and losers. If a winner (for example, Tiger Woods) were to hole out from the fairway to win – he would be very well aware that there was a great deal of luck involved – and it would not escape him that his play was not good enough to win without making an almost-impossible shot. For instance, when he holed out from a greenside bunker at the US Open this year on #17 of Saturday’s round – a shot that had no business going in – he didn’t point, he simply smiled a coy grin because he knew he got away with one. But, he did not point to the sky acknowledging the Notorious G-O-D because Yahweh had his back. No, that is ridiculous. So, should he hit that shot at The Masters – being the winner he is – I would suspect he would not choose to do it then.

Now, if a loser – let’s say [PGA TOUR Player] for example – made that hole out, I would suspect he would give a Heavenly Point – much like his phenomenally un-heterosexual dance after he lucked into the PGA Championship five years ago. And, like his incredibly non-straight dance, the Heavenly Point would be inappropriate and goofy – thus, making him an even larger goof. He knows he would have had no business being in – let alone winning – the tournament, so the mere idea of him thinking The Big Guy handpicked him to win that tourney with a crazy shot would just enrage me – much like Scotty and his viewing of bloodyings in the Octagon.

So, no, it does not constitute it."

Look the Heavenly Point does not work - in most any situation. Not for winning an Oscar, the Triple Crown, or getting an A on an exam. If the people on LOST get rescued - MAYBE they can think about it. If your proposal is accepted, you can possibly give one - behind closed doors when no one else can see. But, short of that and a few of things mentioned above...the Heavenly Point should be outlawed.

The point is...don't Heavenly Point.